Its been awhile

So I finished the picture to send for the wedding gift. I like it and I usually don't like them. I was spraying the fixative on it today though and noticed all sorts of things. Will they like it? I wish I had some crystal ball that would prevent me from second-guessing myself all the time.

I paint. I can't not paint. I tried. It just creeps back into everything I do. And once I start again, I dream about the pictures, I dream about painting. There is no escape and I don't want to escape it anyway. Its like a place I know I belong. I am comfortable there. I know me there. Some times I pretend that is all there is, just the studio, no other responsibilities, no other people needing things from me.

I stayed with him. Things are quieter now. I guess I am happy now. I don't try so hard anymore. We are both getting older. He hasn't changed much, but I know he loves me. So I guess that's enough. It doesn't mean I don't think about days in my past and wish some things were different. I think the trick is not to think so much about those things.

The health bill passed. I hope God is still watching out for us. I don't know yet if this is a good thing or a historical mess.

Is it me?

Maybe its me. Maybe I'm not any fun anymore. Maybe he just doesn't like to be around me anymore. He never wants to do things with me. Could he love someone else? Or does he love anyone at all?

I can't believe I am so lonely with this man. I can't believe he doesn't love me, but everyday I hear that voice inside telling me he doesn't love me anymore. It is the saddest voice I've ever heard.

He came home late last night, brought me flowers. He can't say I'm sorry or ever admit he's wrong about anything. I'm supposed to forget about it like all the other nights, all the other weekends for the last 10 years, because he brings me flowers?

Why can't he want to get better? Why can't he choose me? Aren't I worth the effort anymore? Aren't we in this together?

No one knows except our child because he sees it every night. Everyone else thinks he's great. He is, he's great - and I'm disappearing. he is breaking my heart.

Is it all only make-believe?

I may leave him, even though I love him. Even though I cannot imagine my life without him. Even though my children and family may never forgive me. I may leave him. I can't take the drinking anymore. Its not like he hits me or anything. Its just I miss him so much - the man I married, the man I fell in love with. Everyday I live with this pain I feel worse. Its been going on for so long now, but he won't even admit he has a problem.

He is drunk most every night and really trashed on the weekends. I can't depend on him for anything. God forbid something should happen at night and I need him. He can't stand to be around me unless he's drinking, but he says he still loves me. I feel like I'm losing my mind sometimes. Sometimes I dream of living away from him, but I always wake up crying.