Is it me?

Maybe its me. Maybe I'm not any fun anymore. Maybe he just doesn't like to be around me anymore. He never wants to do things with me. Could he love someone else? Or does he love anyone at all?

I can't believe I am so lonely with this man. I can't believe he doesn't love me, but everyday I hear that voice inside telling me he doesn't love me anymore. It is the saddest voice I've ever heard.

He came home late last night, brought me flowers. He can't say I'm sorry or ever admit he's wrong about anything. I'm supposed to forget about it like all the other nights, all the other weekends for the last 10 years, because he brings me flowers?

Why can't he want to get better? Why can't he choose me? Aren't I worth the effort anymore? Aren't we in this together?

No one knows except our child because he sees it every night. Everyone else thinks he's great. He is, he's great - and I'm disappearing. he is breaking my heart.

Is it all only make-believe?

I may leave him, even though I love him. Even though I cannot imagine my life without him. Even though my children and family may never forgive me. I may leave him. I can't take the drinking anymore. Its not like he hits me or anything. Its just I miss him so much - the man I married, the man I fell in love with. Everyday I live with this pain I feel worse. Its been going on for so long now, but he won't even admit he has a problem.

He is drunk most every night and really trashed on the weekends. I can't depend on him for anything. God forbid something should happen at night and I need him. He can't stand to be around me unless he's drinking, but he says he still loves me. I feel like I'm losing my mind sometimes. Sometimes I dream of living away from him, but I always wake up crying.